High School Stoners

Viewers of the daily news might be forgiven for watching the current US President on TV and saying to themselves, “I’ll have what he’s having.” Eighteen months into his second administration, each day the President acts more and more like a high school stoner. Only with better drugs. Slurring words, sleeping at work, and shit-posting AI memes in the middle of the night are all behaviors that were better left behind the bleachers in your Junior year.

Assuming the President has moved from micro-dosing PCP towards a dose more consistent with his BMI, the question remains, what is he taking and where can we get some? The White House’s recent executive order accelerating access to psychedelics, including ibogaine, may give laypeople some directional clues. Better still, type a list of symptoms into AI and ask what drugs might cause them, up pop answers in the blink of a bloodshot eye.

Spicey Dicey

The combination of an inverted sleep-wake cycle, hallucinations, slurred speech, and emotional instability is highly characteristic of substance intoxication, severe withdrawal, or medication-induced delirium. The term for this condition is Drug-Induced Cognitive Impairment (DICI or ‘dicey’). The elderly are particularly prone to DICI. The symptoms listed above point toward specific classes of substances:

  1. Central Nervous System Depressants like alcohol and benzodiazepines can cause slurred speech, daytime drowsiness, and unsteadiness. The current occupant of the White House claims to be a teetotaler, but Xanax, Ativan, and Ambien are all legitimate options.
  2. Psychomotor Stimulants like methamphetamine and cocaine can set up a biphasic cycle of binging for days then crashing for long periods while the drugs wear off. Whatever else you might think, the President plays golf regularly enough that these are unlikely candidates.
  3. Dissociative drugs like dextromethorphan (DXM) and Ketamine or PCP can cause hallucinations and simultaneously act as a CNS depressant that disrupts sleep or slurs speech. DXM is commonly found in cough medicine, while Ketamine and PCP are anesthetics favored by billionaire tech bros. The latter being a circle that the President courts regularly. Due to the transactional nature of working with the Executive branch, perhaps companies surveilling Americans with AI provide a steady supply of dissociatives to the White House.
  4. It is also possible for prescription drugs to cause similar symptoms. Opioid pain medications in high doses cause daytime stupor, slurred speech, and vivid hallucinations. Drugs like Benadryl and some anticholinergic medications for an overactive bladder can cause psychotic episodes if abused. One can easily imagine an 80-year-old executive who spends long hours in meetings having treatment for an overactive bladder.
MK-Ultra

Government leaders have long histories of drug abuse. Hitler, for example, lived on a steady diet of methamphetamine, cocaine and barbiturates with a few opioids thrown in. It would be a few more years before benzodiazepines and LSD were invented, otherwise he probably would have downed those as well.

Immediately following World War II, the CIA launched its top secret MK-Ultra program in a bid to get ahead of the Soviet Union’s mind-control experiments. After many years of unsupervised experimentation on prisoners at home and abroad, no truly effective mind control drug was discovered. An elaborate cover-up with extensive document destruction ensured the results of MK-Ultra remain the stuff of spy novels and speculation.

But what about the rest of us? Executive Order 14401, “Accelerating Medical Treatments for Serious Mental Illness” was signed by the President on April 18, 2026. The order focuses on fast-tracking research and regulatory reviews for psychedelics like LSD, psilocybin, MDMA, and ibogaine. The drugs are used alongside therapy for severe, treatment-resistant mental health conditions like PTSD, major depression and substance use disorders. Given the world is suffering from collective 11/05/24 Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, this executive order comes in the nick of time.

Options

Due to the intractability of the continual stressors meted out of Washington D.C., seekers of relief might consider heroic doses of any of the following popular drugs:

  1. Psilocybin (Magic Mushrooms): Psilocybin is currently the most widely used psychedelic. It is a naturally occurring compound found in certain fungi species. In recent years, its popularity has surged due to the widespread trend of microdosing and expanding state-level decriminalization. Very low toxicity and low rates of addiction make it a favorite. The biggest risk is mistaking psilocybin for another, toxic variety of mushrooms.
  2. LSD (Lysergic Acid Diethylamide, commonly known as “acid”) LSD is a potent, synthetically manufactured chemical that dominated the counterculture movement of the 1960s. This is a happy drug that brings pep to any party. Very low toxicity means it is really hard to take a lethal dose of LSD.
  3. MDMA (3,4-Methylenedioxymethamphetamine, or Ecstasy / Molly): MDMA is a synthetic drug known for amplifying empathy, emotional openness, and sensory awareness. Of these three drugs, this is the one with the biggest risks. Primary risks include hyperthermia and dehydration. Molly may also, with heavy, prolonged use, lead to disruptions in the brain’s serotonin system. Other risks hold true for any unregulated, illegal drug. Risks like being mixed with other, more dangerous drugs such as fentanyl. Plus supply disruptions if your contact hasn’t paid Marsellus Wallace what he’s owed.
Guides

If you’re new to psychedelics, find experienced people whom you trust to guide you. Read books like How to Change Your Mind by Michael Pollan and The Psychedelic Explorer’s Guide by Dr. James Fadiman. The most important part of any trip is “set and setting”. Set and setting is the fundamental principle that a psychedelic drug experience is shaped primarily by a person’s internal state (“set”) and their external environment (“setting”), rather than just the drug’s chemical properties. The term was coined by Harvard professor and history’s most famous dropout, the late Timothy Leary.

Turn on, tune in, drop out

There is plenty of evidence that psychedelics combined with more traditional forms of PTSD therapy can yield impressive results with MDMA. If the world needs more empathy perhaps the CIA could take a leaf out of its MK-Ultra playbook and spike the water supply with LSD, or crop spray MDMA over major population centers. Doing so in large volumes could bring jobs back to America and make the next two-and-a-half years more tolerable.

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