Bullshit

Forms

Bullshit comes in two forms. The first is useful. It is the organic stuff that comes out of cows and fertilizes fields. The second is useless. It is the verbal stuff that comes out of the mouths of politicians. Recognizing the difference between the two is often difficult. Particularly in these dark times. Do not despair. We are here to help.

Pats

Standing in a field full of cows is a good first step to separating your bullshit experiences. First, congratulations for being outside and away from your computer. If you left your smartphone at home, pat yourself on the back. Welcome to the real world. Now, look around you. Take a step forward. You are wearing your Wellington boots, aren’t you? Good. If you are making your way through literal muck a pair of stout Wellingtons is essential. Take a look at the lush green grass at your feet. To your side look for colourful flowers lining the edges of the field. Did you ever wonder why they are so bright and beautiful? Bullshit! That’s what makes plants grow.

A cow, and every other mammal, eats, digests and poops. Poop is a byproduct of eating. While it is possible to consume few enough calories that pooping is optional, life would be pretty miserable if that were the case. No, poo is the sign the cows are eating enough and have food to spare. The process of digestion is not particularly efficient. Only about 10% of what a cow eats turns into useful energy. The rest is mulched in their four bellies and pooped out the far end of the digestive tract. But the poopy product is full of nitrogen that plops on the ground and seeps back into the soil. Nitrogen is an essential nutrient for grasses and fields are grateful for the work cows put into making it so accessible.

Acrid

As you walk forward, look down. Do you see a big circular patty on the ground? That is a cow pat – a polite term for bullshit. Depending on how many cows are in your field, you may find it impossible to walk around the cow pats. Your only option is to turn back or sally forth secure in the knowledge your boots will keep your feet dry. What’s that smell? The fragrance of wild clover often mingles with the smell of bullshit. Clover smells sweetly. Bullshit has an acrid, pungent aroma that once experienced is unforgettable. If you find yourself at a dairy farm you may find a muck pile. That is a polite term for a mountain of rotting and fermenting bullshit. If you are within two miles downwind of a muck pile, expect it to bring tears to your eyes.

Your field trip is coming to an end. You have experienced the visceral olfactory punch of bullshit and spotted it in the fields and, hopefully, wiped it off your boots. As unpleasant a material as it may be, remember, good bullshit makes good grasses and good grasses makes happy cows. And what do happy cows make? Why milk and cream, of course. Life with this kind of bullshit is a happy natural cycle. Time to celebrate!

Reversing the Flow

Let’s turn our attention to the other kind of bullshit. The kind that belches out of politicians. While there are some similarities, those similarities exist mostly in metaphor, and certainly not in reality. Unlike cows, politicians are interested only in power. Their power. And they will do anything to retain it. Anything. Their job, as they see it, is not to serve their constituents, but to say and do anything to retain their position. With that in mind, it is time for another field trip.

This time let’s put our heads into the mouth of the lion and watch an interview. This is the most controlled environment for any politician. It is a one-on-one conversation normally conducted with prepared questions and prepared answers. With good lighting and make-up, the politician and interviewer look their best.

Signs

So, how do you spot political bullshit? It isn’t like walking through a field and stumbling on a pile of poo. Nevertheless, there are telltale signs. Here are a few:

Is the politician talking? If they are, there is a very, very strong likelihood whatever is coming out of their mouth is bullshit.
Are they answering the question they were asked? If they are, then consider yourself extremely lucky. You are as likely to survive being struck by lightning as hearing an answer pertinent to the question.
Does the question sound like preening? For politicians, any question is an opportunity for self-promotion. Therefore, questions only serve as a segue to grandstanding.
Do all questions result in the same response? If questions on climate change, airplane crashes or inflation are “the result of DEI”, then you can be sure every answer is bullshit.
Is the politician getting annoyed? If they are they are likely caught in a lie or an inconsistency that cannot be reconciled by logic. The only solution is to bullshit.
Is the interviewer getting annoyed? If their questions are not being answered directly, they often get frustrated. You probably are too.

Smell

What about smell? Good question. Metaphorically, we rely on the “smell test”. It is our way of examining so-called facts for impurities, or the stench of bullshit. There is an old joke that illustrates this point:

Two Russian hunters are walking across Siberia in the dead of winter. One looks down and sees a pile of poop. He says to his companion, “Sergei – that looks like bullshit.” “Da, Yakov. It looks like bullshit.” “Smell it, Sergei.” “What?” “Smell it!” “Hmm, smells like bullshit.” “Taste it!” “What?” Taste it!” “Hmmm, tastes like bullshit.” “Okay, Sergei, it is a good thing we don’t step in it!”

If something doesn’t pass the smell test, then we need to investigate further unless we want to find ourselves up to our proverbial knees in bullshit. Unfortunately, today our natural instinct to question politicians about their policies and intentions is filtered through social media, and there is no bigger source of bullshit than social media. As a result, our senses are dulled, and we end up eating more bullshit than we used to. Therefore, if you want to recover your natural abilities to identify bullshit, get off social media and get in touch with your personal values. Don’t be Sergei and swallow bullshit because your friend told you to.